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If you feel loved, you are happier and live longer: so what are you waiting for?
Love is more than an idealistic sentiment or an unnecessary dream. Love isn’t just an emotion, it’s a motivation system, a drive — and a part of the reward system of the brain. This human need, the basic drive for love, is stronger than the human drive for sex: love isn’t just about lust. Lust is driven by sexual hormones; attraction is driven by high dopamine levels; attachment releases the hormones oxytocin and vasopressin which lead to feelings of peace, security and stability. It’s the latter that’s linked to a happy and healthy life, mentally and physically. And such health and happiness come from self-love, romantic love and altruistic and social love.
Positive psychologist Martin Seligman has conducted extensive research on the “science of happiness.” His research and that of others has found that:· Money doesn’t lead to greater life satisfaction.
· Activities like eating, making money and shopping only satisfy in the short term.
· Happiness isn’t made up of the sum of pleasurable moments but the meaning we attribute to them.
· Pleasure isn’t as important as engagement and meaning in terms of lasting happiness.
· Happiness and life satisfaction arise from social relationships and meaningful work.
· Nurturing our need to belong and connect with others truly pays off in the long run.
Self-Love
The ability to love others stems from self-love. Loving others (in either an altruistic or romantic way) increases self esteem and self-love. It isn’t being loved that increases self-esteem, so much as loving oneself that contributes to better relationships. In fact, those with low self-esteem are known to be more likely to experience doubt, insecurity, jealousy and obsession within relationships. Self-love leads to better relationships, stronger support systems and the increased self development of everyone involved.
Life satisfaction and health are related to self-love and self-care. When you value yourself enough to take care of your body (getting good sleep, good food, good exercise), and your mental wellbeing (by building relationships, finding meaningful and suitable work, engaging in creative and fun projects, empowering yourself through self-development and knowledge), then your life is bound to be more happy, more healthy and more satisfying.
Lack of self-love is at the root of abuse, addiction and aggressive consumerism: it’s about people looking for love in external things rather than generating it from within. Yet when you learn to love yourself, you open a bottomless well of love and the floodgates of abundance.
Self-love also boosts your immune system and aids in healing. A University of Connecticut study found that self-acceptance and self-realisations led to “a therapeutic use of self” in women who were healing from bulimia.
Faith that is accepting and forgiving (not dogmatic or radical), has a strong effect on healing. Meditation and stress management techniques reduce the impact of stress hormones, slow breathing and heart rates, lower blood pressure and improve immune system function.
People that use such practices are more likely to take care of themselves, less likely to drink or smoke, and more likely to have a strong social support network. Recovery time from surgery is drastically reduced in such people and death rates from cancer and cardiovascular disease are significantly lower.
University of Pennsylvania psychologist Martin Seligman says the best thing people can do to increase their happiness is to determine what their strengths are and find ways to use them. Seligman and his colleagues tried a number of interventions among mildly depressed people and measured effects on happiness. The researchers found that identifying and then utilising unique individual strengths reduced depression and increased happiness with lasting results: one week of such effort led to happiness for as long as six months!
Romantic Love
Romantic partnerships increase one’s sense of wellbeing, and love within marriage has proven to be an important predictor of happiness, positive emotions and life satisfaction. Such partnerships improve both psychological wellbeing and physical health. Such a support system may protect us from the effects of stress.
Life extension specialist Dr Glen Jenson says: “People who feel loved [or love others] live longer and happier lives… [They] have better health and make more money.” Jenson says relationships with others give us feedback about healthy lifestyles and the encouragement and support to attain them.
Health-related research in romantic love abounds:
· Feelings of love and support were linked to reduced arterial blockage in a study of 159 adults.
· President and founder of the nonprofit Preventive Medicine Research Institute Dr Dean Ornish says that in terms of reversing heart disease, although “the diet can play a significant role; nothing is more powerful than love and intimacy.”
· Duke University’s
Redford Williams agrees: “My opinion is at least as many people die from social isolation as smoking and maybe twice as much as deaths caused by dietary choices.”
· Passionate love can be as powerful a pain reliever as prescription medications and illicit drugs too. Romantic love and passionate feelings use the same neural pathways as opioids and act on deep, primitive structures within the brain.
(Next week, Oksana will talk about altruistic love and how all different kinds of love — self-love, romantic love and altruistic love— can help define a better life for you.)
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